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Bless Your Heart...Thing You Should Know About Us Southern Girls!

1/27/2012

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Disclaimer: This is meant to be a humorous piece and some what of an exaggeration on the subject of southern women and our charm. Please take it as such. We are all wired very differently and come from different backgrounds. Southern women form a rich tapestry of difference to be honored.  

When my handsome man married this polite girl from the south, I am quite positive he had no earthly clue what he was getting in to. There is no way a man born and raised west of the Mississippi can even begin to fathom the differences, and written in stone... as old as time customs his sweet, soft, kind gal was raised with. He says I'm a force to be reckoned ....kind of like a thunderstorm on a summer's day.  They don't call us steel magnolias for nothing! 

After 12 years of marriage he has learned me so well and doesn't have the "dazed and confused expression" quite as often. He just looks at me knowingly and shakes his head at the poor soul who has blundered into a social faux pas that they weren't even aware existed. I remember coming home from the grocery store, when we were first married,  fuming angry (which means I was bawling my eyes out)   because a person I hardly knew had the audacity to ask me a very personal question...in public no less!  (Lesson 1) When a southern woman cries... it can mean many things but often times it is to vent anger and frustration...it's the eyes or the mouth and most often we have been taught crying is more acceptable than hollering!) 

Seth had no earthly idea why I was crying...he couldn't fathom why I thought what they said or asked was personal and third he was confused as to why in the world I didn't just tell them to mind their own business. 

(Lesson 2) We don't talk talk personal things or in general "air our dirty laundry") You may think you know personal things about a southern girl's life but I can guarantee you ...unless you are in her inner circle, you haven't begun to scratch the "surface of knowing" There are things west of the Mississippi and north of the Mason/Dixon line which are acceptable topics of conversation between complete strangers or even "polite company" which would not be comfortable for someone from the south! 

When you have angered a southern woman or hurt someone we love...look out. Our memories long...and usually genetic.(Lesson 3) You mess with a southern girl...and you've signed yourself up for being the ire of her entire clan (even those you have never met!) You may not like Aunt Etna but she is family and if "Joe" down at the Piggly Wiggly in the meat department insulted her, you can sure bet the entire family will take their business elsewhere even if they have all shopped at the Piggly Wiggly for years. There are people here my clan back in the south knows all about and would ask me to point them out should they ever make a visit to Montana. They carry my stories with them there. 

 (Lesson 4) You may never know you have insulted a southern girl. We have all sorts of ways to express our displeasure. My friends here in the west say I have the nicest way of dressing someone down and wish they could learn how to "put someone in their place" like I do. I'm still not sure it is a good thing that it takes many people 20 or 30 minutes to realize they have been chewed out but many will say it was the "politest a** chewing" they ever had.

 (Lesson 5) This is not to say a southern girl wont lose her temper. There are varying stages of this. Stage one usually involves the term "bless your or their heart" I want to clarify...There are two types of southern "bless your hearts" One signifies you are thinking of another with kindness and affection...the other means you really wish they would burn in hell or can kiss your "lily white behind" but that is just something you won't voice out loud....they can be hard to distinguish between ...as the differences are sometimes subtle. ;)

Stage two usually involves tears of frustration and  large words which require many people to run to their dictionary. I can remember Seth and my first argument and his dazed expression. Through clenched teeth I told him he was "the most exasperating man I had ever met and it would behoove him to mind his manners with me if he ever expected to experience you know what ever again ... as his audacity was a serious affront to my sensibilities" As I walked away I heard him say "I don't even know what some of those words mean. 

(Stage 3) May involve raising the voice, possible cursing (with intermittent apologies for cursing), possible finger shaking and a lecture. Sometimes if she has had time to really examine her ire she will have a list, or letter she has penned so as to make her thoughts clear. If her anger has bubbled or exploded to the surface with out much warning for her she may be so uncomfortable with the feelings it explodes into a full blown "tizzy" ...with possible reciting of everything you and your ancestors or sex have done since the dawn of man. Often times this is due to not voicing her feelings earlier on or her subtle warnings and attempts at dealing with issues have been missed, over looked, or ignored. IF she has reached this point, you can bet she will be like a bulldog with a bone...it is in your best interest to come to a healthy compromise or give in...because no one will get a moments rest until you do. 

(Lesson 6)  Southern girls know that a mint julep and a girls night of eating and laughing, and making fun of those who have hurt you,  cure all sorts of what ails those we love. If you are blessed to have a southern girl as your friend, rest assured you will never go hungry, live without hugs, kind words, or someone who will fiercely defend you to the grave.   Southern women are loyal to a fault. To our friends, community and family. If you have betrayed her trust, it is awfully hard if not impossible to reclaim. Learning to forgive and let go, is a huge lesson I have had to learn.  

(Lesson 7) We still appreciate being "treated like a lady" I don't mind having the door opened for me...and actual expect it. I prefer my husband to drive when we are together, though I am perfectly capable. I miss the days of men standing up when I excuse myself from the table. I love being the one to get the dip from the kitchen, as long as he is willing to take out the garbage! I don't find it a front to my feminist sensibilities. I treat the men in my life respectfully and with love and care as well. I have seen women out here in Montana act as if a man opening the door is an affront to their abilities. Nonsense to this southern girl!  

Make no mistake though, we are strong. While we present a softer side of life to the world, we have back bones of steel. If we see something wrong in the world around us, some injustice, we will not usually give up or stay silent if it has come into our radar. We are very good at rallying support when needed.  It can sometimes be confusing for those around us to know which side of the coin they will be getting when dealing with us. 

(Lesson 8) There are lots of things we will not talk about even with our spouses. Now even writing these next sentences make me cringe but I assume most of my audience is women, so Ill be a little more frank. I can remember asking Seth, when we were first married, to go pick me up some feminine hygiene products at the store. He looked utterly confused...repeating the phrase over and over. Exasperated I finally whispered "You know....tampons" We were the only two people in the room and he couldn't figure out why I was whispering...and I couldn't figure out when he returned why he didn't by five other un-needed items to cover up the fact I sent him on that errand to the store. There are often times I still blush when he flirts, become mortified when he discusses things which husband and wives discuss, and whisper when there is no one else around even tough I could and should say it out loud. We are always tasteful...even when no one is looking ;)

(Lesson 9) We don't know a stranger. We can strike up a conversation with anyone in the grocery line. My husband always is shocked at what people talk to me about. He may have known someone for years, and just standing there in line I have discovered things about them he never knew. A little kindness and conversation go a long way. Don't ever under estimate our charm. Seth says there are very few things he can say no to when I get all soft and southern... lol We also know when not to abuse that charm ;)

(Lesson 10) Even as adults we most likely will still use Yes M'am and sir, Mr. and Mrs, and other forms of polite titles when we are addressing others. Particularly if we were raised to value and respect authority figures. I remember people thinking I was being sarcastic and rude when I used these early on here in this area. I had to assure them I wasn't and sadly let go of these niceties. 

( Lesson 11) We use sugar, honey, sweetie, sweetheart, love, and other forms of endearment even with people we don't know well. It does not mean we want in your pants or in your husband or boyfriend's pants. It isn't meant to be a serious expression of affection, just a common form of address like "hey you"


(Lesson 12) We are adaptable. I have learned and changed so much the last 12 years living in Montana. Sometimes I wear sweat pants to the store (gasp) and go to town with out my face (makeup) on. I rarely wear hose and only shave when I have to in the winter time. I more easily voice my opinion and displeasure and have learned the value in saying exactly what I mean. I can change a tire,  drive a tractor, start a fire, shoot a gun,  repair a fence, and hold my own in this tough beautiful place. 

(Lesson 13) You can take a girl out of the south...but you can't take the south out of the girl. The south will always be home to me. I live here...I reside in this area...I am not from here and this is not my home. Every heart beat is a reflection of the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains I explored, the honey suckled air I breathed in , the Georgia peaches I  picked, the lazy summer homemade ice cream days of my childhood.  Nothing compares to her and I will spend every moment of my life missing it and wanting to return. While I may choose to light my hearth here...my heart will always 



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Keeping it together

1/21/2012

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 I really wanted to name this blog post "Shut Up and Get Outta the Way!" but that is not very polite. I get a little cranky when  I've been up all night with the flu. It gives me too much time to think. After much though and consideration, Seth and I have decided to move our family. Just the idea of this being bounced around has sent some of those around in a frenzied panic. Some of the actions and discussions have only furthered our resolve this is the right move for our family and more than likely we should have made these steps years ago. Hind sight is always 20/20 ya know!?

I wrote a previous post on well meaning people offering and insisting my high school kids should  remain behind, and yet again I have had to open myself up to conversations about it. The bottom line is I am moving to where my husband works to have my family together...leaving anyone behind defeats that purpose. I've had to go so far as to check with our attorney about it, which to me is sad in itself and really shows me the state of misplaced values in our society. I've been insured I am well within my parental rights to move particularly due to a new job and parental interference by seemingly well meaning people isn't ok. 

I've been focusing on the future of the Beech Clan. I've been focusing on what positives this move will bring into our lives. After months of research and conversations I feel we have found a place which will be a good fit for our family and will have the least amount of bumps for the kid's transition. I've found a small town with great schools and a few more opportunities than we have here. 

The education system there provides college credits for high schoolers. They have several languages offered instead of one. Their wrestling team seems stellar and it is a sport still fully funded (I've been told they pack their gym out at the meets...which doesn't occur here) They have sports not offered here such as soccer. My youngest will have the opportunity to play Violin at school in the orchestra instead of driving two hours weekly for lessons. We will be very close to Seth's workplace which gives him more time at home with us. We will live in a finished home (My favorite perk so far!) The schools offer summer camps ...there is a 4 H camp near by and many new places to explore in the Teton area. 

Don't get me wrong, the community we are leaving has many positive attributes and there are things we will definitely miss. I am thankful for the support we have had through the years, and even for the hard lessons we have endured here. 

I spent some time with my eldest daughter yesterday, who is home from college. She wishes now we had moved when she was younger. She is realizing there would have been some positive advantages to this. It was funny to hear her say "You are the parents and there is a time when you just have to put your foot down and the kids need to follow your lead...no discussions asked." 

She also gave me some insight into my own parenting style. I tend to err on the side of too much discussion...too much allowing the kids too much room for argument. In my defense I feel it is important for children to have a voice. My Lili girl stated that kids need firm boundaries, even when they are throwing all kinds of fits and bucking the system in place. She is thankful for the boundaries and childhood she had but she voiced there were times she knew we should have been firmer. 

Moving is hard enough with a family this size. We are trying to do it in a way which allows adjustments to occur over time. Some days I want to load them up in the car right now...say screw adjustments...we are doing this now...just to get it over with. :) I've asked those in our circle to please support this move whether you agree with it or not. I've asked people not to interfere and I have been placing firm boundaries about not tolerating it. Things used to seem so simple, but I'm having to adjust and change to the world which is around me. I'm keeping my family together. One day at a time I'm keeping it together as we move toward a bright new positive future. Support that, get out of the way, or interfere. Either way, we are keeping it together. It's just what we Beeches do!

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Family Values

1/6/2012

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Our family is considering a move. Coming to a decision to uproot and go elsewhere is scary, exciting and comes with a lot of soul searching. I know in our household it is not a task undertaken lightly. In making our decision, one thing really surprised me...how many times I have been asked if I am leaving any of my high schoolers behind to finish school on their own. Say what? I'm not offended...just surprised. 

I moved 14 different times in my childhood. I wasn't traumatized or damaged in anyway by the number of moves. I actually consider myself to be a more flexible and well rounded human being because of all the different communities and schools I was blessed to be a part of. Leaving any of us kids behind was never an option to my recollection. School staff, coaches, friends, neighbors, nor relatives ever offered to have me live with them in order to stay in a particular school. ( I actually think my parents would have found this pretty offensive!) In my childhood, family was the most important aspect, and it was respected and encouraged above all else. 

When did society shift? How did I miss it? When did our children's relationships with friends and school become more important than their family unit? Or maybe I am missing something?  I am not in any way suggesting moving in high school is an easy thing for any kid to do. I am however of the opinion that a CHILD (and until they are graduated from high school they are just that) is best off with their family. Maybe it hasn't shifted. Maybe we all place different things as important for our families and our children and Seth and my priorities are just different than others. I'm not saying other's choices and what they would do are wrong or offensive...they just are so different from my stand point it has caused me to pause and take a moment to reflect. 

My children have been raised in one area most of their lives. There are so many blessings and benefits to this. They have grown up around their grandparents, and have had the same friends for years. They have learned to develop roots. The roots I value and believe to be most beneficial however are those with their immediate family. My older children not only need us and the few things we have left to teach them... the younger children need their time with their older siblings. 

While there are things I LOVE about this small community in which we currently reside, I am aware there is a HUGE world out there. I have had the awesome experience of traveling this entire United States and have visited all but 8 states. I have traveled both sides of Canada, spent a year traveling Mexico and visited both England and Ireland. I have lived in large cities, small towns, and everything else in between. I have lived in and experienced amazing places. There is a whole wide world out there and it's o.k. to experience new things. 

While I know the idea of moving as a teen is hard, I also think my kids may learn some valuable skills about flexibility, life changes, and how to best get support when things are difficult. While I do not set out to make things harder on my child, I really feel it does a disservice to try and protect them from every thing life throws their way. Change happens all the time. Families move for jobs and a myriad of other reasons. 

I don't want others offering my kids a place away from home to stay and wont be open to any of the ones still in school doing so. They will be flying the nest soon enough! All but one plans to leave the state we currently reside in anyways(and he will graduate before any moving occurs), so a new residence prior to leaving for college may provide them with some adventures, a trial run in changing ones zip code, and a few last memories made with their family of origin. I'm excited for us and what possibilities lie ahead and what lessons we have left to learn. 

I am lucky. My kids haven't thrown any major fits. No one has expressed anger or dismay at this point in the game. They have graciously said they would be willing to try a new area if it is the decision we come to. We have talked about how important being closer to where dad works is and how we can best support him as he supports our family and provides us with so much. We have discussed how we can sacrifice a few comforts such as remaining here to make his life a little nicer. This move for our family is about what we can do for our "bread winner". Wish us luck and say a prayer as we venture out into unknown territory!

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Happy New Year!

1/2/2012

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Every year I make resolutions. Most years I can make it about 4 months into the year before I throw in the towel. They are your standard variety resolutions such as lose weight, stop biting my nails, grow my hair long, etc etc. 

I set myself 2 goals for the New Year. One seemingly simple and the other which will take practice and balance. First,  I set in my mind I would get our Christmas tree down on the 1st, (sigh) there it stands accusingly this morning while I write and drink my coffee. So, it's lights will shine one more day before I "brow beat" my kids into helping me get all the lights and ornaments back into their boxes. 

My second resolution was prompted in part by all the hype regarding 2012. I'm in the camp of no one knows..did the Mayans even predict their own demise? It does however get me thinking about life and how we face it from day to day. Not a single one of us knows how much time we have left on this planet. My Resolution you ask?  To live like this is my last year on the planet. I'll be asking myself: Do I really want to do this...say this... watch this..live this etc. We should live like everyday its our last/ we don't really know how many sands are in our hour glass.

I realize this is rather nebulous and might be a hard one to pin down. I mean let's get real here. I'm a mom. If you are doing your job right as a mother, then there are lots of things in the day we HAVE to do...or one might not be able to make their way through the house for all the laundry and clutter which would inevitably pile up. Learning the art of "No" is the first step. Realise you are only one person and while you may be a giver or helper, there are so many hours in a day and when you over extend yourself year after year you deplete your reserves until you are running on fumes. This isn't healthy for your body, spirit or emotions. I've really practiced this "No" in the last year. Over time people realize you are a person with boundaries, and it gets easier to weed out unimportant things in your life and create a workable schedule.

Secondly,  many of us as parents spend so much time focused on our family and their well being we forget or neglect to feed our own spirits. A healthy family needs healthy caregivers. What do you LOVE to do? Is it knit but those needles are collecting dust in a basket somewhere? Do you love to hike, sing, travel...whatever it is eek out time every month. I know the excuses...I don't have time...I don't have the money etc etc. Set your sights on attainable goals. While you may not have the money for a trip to Europe, maybe you have time to visit something within a days drive. I can think of several places within driving distance I haven't made time to see. A quick internet search and that number doubles. Take a picnic and enjoy the beauty around you. Recharge those batteries! Say "YES" to you. 

I would love to hear what changes you are making throughout this year to take care of yourself. Feel free to post the challenges and successes! Happy New Year!



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