Follow Me
 
  • All About CG
    • Archives >
      • Archived Farm Tales
      • Archived The Art of Mothering
      • Archived Matters of Faith
      • Little Diddies
      • A Wee Bit Extra
      • Animal Husbandry
      • Survival and Preparedness
      • Home and Garden >
        • Decorating On A Dime >
          • Easy DIY (Small Projects)
          • Project Gallery
        • Holiday Happenings >
          • Halloween
          • Thanksgiving
          • Christmas/ Winter Celebration
          • Easter
  • 2.0- CG Reboot
  • Contact Me

Spare the Rod...

9/26/2012

1 Comment

 
Picture
Being subscribed to many online parenting groups, gives an opportunity to witness many discussions on the topic of raising children. Today I will be addressing the topic of discipline. I do not claim to be an expert, by any means, and much of what I may address may be controversial. I only ask in your comments you are respectful to me and to others. I love discussion. Sharing my thoughts on raising children comes from my heart and many years of being a parent. 

Often times people of the Christian faith fall back on the concept of "spare the rod.. spoil the child." It always bothered me many adults used this as a mandate to spank or beat their child. When my children were small, I heard Dr. Kay Kuzma on a radio show. She shared the direct translation of this verse (Proverbs13:24 "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."). According to her and other scholars findings the "rod" which is spoken of is the word used for the staff or rod a shepherd uses for their sheep. They do not beat their sheep with a rod or staff but direct, steer, or guide to safety with it. This was a light bulb moment in my parenting! Spanking never set well with me, and though I used it as a tool on occasion, and desired to be a good parent so my children would grow in safety and love to adulthood, well adjusted, kind, and respectful of others, I knew there had to be a better way. Little did I know this one show would change the course of my parenting and spur me to many hours of study on alternatives. 

The concept of discipline is a tight rope walk of balance. The word discipline conjures up many positive and negative notions in individuals usually based on their history and beliefs. It has almost become a "dirty word" in parenting circles. For the sake of this discussion, I want to define what I mean. To discipline... to disciple.. to teach. It is that simple. I believe my faith mandates I teach my children... lovingly direct them, save them from danger, and raise them. Though many readers may not be of the same faith as I , I hope you will find some positive points which help you in your parenting journey! I have always said I "practice parenting" like a Dr. practices medicine. There are things I am super good at, such as nurturing, and others I am still perfecting. There are ways I parented when my children were small which make me cringe and there are things I am proud of. 

I will share, each of my children have experienced spankings as a method of discipline on occasion and I will definitively state I do not feel it is the best or most productive tool in the parenting tool box. As a matter of fact, it felt wrong to me every time and later I always set them down and told them I was sorry and asked them to forgive me. I explained that I was human, and while what they did was wrong, I could have handled the situation in a way that still taught them without hitting. We then came up with ways, when they were older, the situation could have been handled differently on both sides. In my home and in my life spanking was the lazy way out because I was tired, overwhelmed or fed up. I do not, however, believe spanking (swat on the behind) is abuse. I just believe it to be a very poor tool.  

There is a BIG shift in parenting circles which have taken it a step further from "no spanking" to "no punitive measures ever." "They" wish to raise their children in a fully accepting and loving environment. "They" believe that anything punitive teaches the child to distrust. I honestly believe this is a misjudgment. The world, school, and nature itself has punitive measures in place. While it should not be used for EVERY infraction, it is necessary as part of the parenting arsenal to teach them skills needed to interact in the world. Your goal should not be to humiliate or to degrade but to lift up a child so they rise to the expectations which help them navigate life. 

I always felt I could not discuss my ideas on parenting until some of them were grown and I could see how we did! Three of them have flown the coop... um I mean nest ;) I can see where we were very successful and where we did alright. I can see raising my children with too much input from extended family caused a lot of issues and places which now need repair (but this is a topic for another day and we have rectified this with the younger children). The cowboy and I can see that many of our methods gleaned the desired outcome of well adjusted, hard working, kind, creative, empathetic, and loving beings. Despite all our mistakes, trials, and misunderstandings we are proud of the people we have raised. We believed in Training Up our children and I hope we have succeeded

The primary keys to parenting, in my humble opinion, are consistency, loving discipline, patience, setting a good example, and having a healthy family village. Parenting should be a working, changeable relationship with your child. The most important rule for a parent is "pick your battles"! I ask my self on a daily basis, will this matter next moth, year, or in ten years? If the answer is no, then I try to ignore the behavior.  We should be willing to admit mistakes, and ask our child for forgiveness when we mess up. We shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes, hurting their feelings, or erroring on the side of not giving them loving boundaries.

When my daughter was a preteen she went through the "mouthy stage" challenging us sometimes loudly and even publicly. We knew this was an important "battle" to be won. After talking about it, explaining, cajoling, etc etc, we knew we had to nip this behavior. One night at a school function she hissed at the cowboy, and told him she didn't have to mind him and wasn't going to. He very calmly asked her to go to the car, because if she wasn't going to follow instructions she would miss the opportunity to be out with the family. She refused. He very calmly picked her up, fireman style, and carried her to the car. Moments later he returned after dropping her off at home. 

She learned her parents had boundaries but it also taught her that she has the right to have boundaries as well with friends and other relationships. She has the right not to be embarrassed by someone in public. Now, I know there are those who will gasp "You embarrassed that poor child... damaged her emotionally.. blah blah blah". I say cow pucky! She was warned ahead of time we would not tolerate the behavior and we followed through. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. No more is this more true than in parenting! She felt loved and safe because we were willing to do the hard thing and uphold our truth and boundaries with her. 

Before my children were born I had so many ideas about parenting. When they were small the foundation was laid to prepare us all for a new relationship. Parenting is not stagnant. As my children have gotten older, they have learned we mean what we say. We follow through. Let your teen spend the night some where? Be willing to follow through and check up on them (we have driven many a late night on icy roads to do so). I have heard the "but you don't trust me" and my reply was " My job is to be a parent, and sometimes that means making sure you are safe and making good decisions... you can trust me to do my job" A child gets caught drinking or using tobacco? We made them self report to their coach. Yes, the consequences were big, but they learned a valuable lesson of being true to their word as they had signed sports contracts.

We have always told our kids if they self report to us first... before someone tells us, or getting caught, the consequences will be much milder. Providing consequences will not deter them from making bad choices and neither will it encourage them not to talk to you. In fact, my children have come to us many many times letting us know they have done something which was against house rules... they want to feel better when their conscience nags at them. Many times we just talk about what happened, without "punishment" or consequences in order to encourage them to continue to seek us out. We engage them in how things could have been handled differently. Other times they haven't come to us until years down the road, or they have confided in someone else who comes to us. It still gives us, as parents, the opportunity to communicate. 

When they were younger, we had three hard and fast rules! Just three but everything fell under them!
1. Do not hurt others
2. Do not hurt things
3. Do not hurt yourself

When the children would break a house rule we would take them to the fridge where these were written. We would ask "Which one of these did you mess up on?" Sometimes it was one or all three. Usually they got away with a reminder and they would have to make it right with someone if they had hurt them. If they said a bad word, they had to scoop poop (either in the barn or yard...hey we lived on a farm) If they slammed the door, it was taken off the hinges for a few days. If they would not listen and were being extra rowdy, they had to run a lap down the driveway as I felt it meant they had excess energy they needed to dispense. 

We always chose 3 behaviors at a time to work on. Everything else we let "slide" with reminders. One of my biggest pet peeves was not being able to talk on the phone when my children were small. We had a family meeting about it. They expressed sometimes we would get mad because they felt they had a genuine need and weren't being heard and they could understand what it was like to be interrupted. So, we devised a plan. If Seth or I were on the phone (or talking to someone in public) and they had a need, they would gently place their hand on our arm to let us know. We would, in turn, place our hand over theirs to convey we were aware of their need. It was our cue to either take a break from the conversation, or finish it up so we could address our child. It worked really really well. 

Not to say everything in our house has run perfectly. Sometimes voices get raised... we are very animated as a family in fun and in dealing with issues. Sometimes everyone of us screws up, even us parents. It is about building safety and relationship. Families are messy business! 

I know well meaning, and not so well meaning family, community members or school officials have accused us, one way or another of not being "good parents." This used to bother me and hurt my feelings. We have been accused of being too strict and too permissive. As my children got older, and we got more confident in our parenting, abilities and family.  We came to realize that we just didn't give a darn what people thought anymore. It never ceases to amaze me people always know better how to do things from the outside looking in!  They weren't raising our family... and how they chose to raise their family was their business. I remember grounding one of my children from a sports activity. It was a super harsh consequence to a behavior we just could not condone nor seem to conquer. We had a someone in our lives who was just irate about it, sharing it community wide.

I remember thinking how hard enough it was to parent SEVEN kids without constant criticism and judgement. This person felt we should just "talk to the child" We had... they weren't there the many many afternoons of talking. They weren't there when we gave the child the opportunity to correct their actions on their own. They didn't see mine and Seth 's agony over the situation and all the milder consequences we tried when talking failed. We KNEW the behavior was important and could have serious consequences for the kid down the road. We KNEW we had to nip it in the bud, no matter what others may think. We also knew we walked a tight rope with our children. The New Testament mandates children to "obey your parents" however it mandates parents with "do not provoke your children to wrath." I know we came pretty close and sometimes did "provoke" them. It is two steps forward and one step back in this role of parenting. I hope through example we have taught them that even though mistakes are made, you have to make the effort to make it right. When we messed up as parents, we apologized and asked forgiveness. 

What I have learned from parenting can be summed up with  "It's all about balance" and "Know Your Child." Sometimes just talking to a child will work. There are other children who only respond to very strict boundaries. One of our sons was a tornado when he was small. We learned really quick not to put him in situations who could not handle. Sitting through a long movie or church service was more than he could handle. I am sure we could have spanked him into submission. We chose to pick our battles. Behave at the grocery store, stay lined up like ducks from youngest to oldest and everyone gets a treat. Don't and no one does. He learned really quick his brothers and sisters were watching and were going to remind him not to get out of line. I can only remember them losing the treat once. The rest of the day he had to deal with his brothers and sisters being unhappy with his behavior. Next outing.. he was a good as gold!

I remember crying to the pediatrician " I feel like a bad mom, he wont mind unless he gets a swat." She really really helped me. She said "some children are wired differently. If you don't like spanking, you will have to figure out other physical consequences to help him learn". We saw a therapist and had to use therapeutic holding time with him (this is done in a certain manner under the guidance of a trained therapist!) The idea behind it was when he was out of control, we held him. Eventually he wouldn't need to be held and only be reminded. Oh, he kicked and screamed. The rule was we had to use soft hands and soft voices, reminding him he could be released when he was ready. He just had to stop screaming and kicking and had to say "let me down please." We were warned to only do this if we could keep calm and hold him as long as necessary. The first time it took him 45 minutes to calm down. Yes, a good quick spanking would have been quicker but it wasn't helping in the long term with curbing his tantrums. The second time it took 15 minutes. The third time all I had to do was ask "Do you need a holding time." He learned there were boundaries and he could regulate his emotions. 

Some children responded well to physical activity. We knew if they had a lot of exercise, then there were less behavioral issues. If they were bouncing off the walls.. we told them to go run to a tree in the back pasture or do some jumping jacks. The idea is be creative with your parenting. Do not be afraid to try different things. Be a student of your child. Are they crying out for more attention with their behavior or just acting out because they need a release to their feelings. Are they being naughty. I have spoken with adults who can remember doing things to "tick their parents off" ... this would never have crossed my mind as a kid!

One of our children was quite dramatic and had people convinced I treated him differently than the others and even had others believing we were "abusive".Being that I became his parent when he was 4, I was so careful and concerned with my parenting of him. After many years of hearing this complaint, my response was finally "Yeah, you bet I treat him differently." I deal with each child how they need. His actions are his... his siblings are different... and how they respond to parenting is different. 


People really thought a child would not lie or make up stories. There were several difficult years with teachers. other parents,  or coaches giving us the stink eye, but we plugged ahead. (This is where a good family therapist is worth their weight in gold!) Seeing a neuro behaviorlist changed our lives! Bio feed back helped with brain processing issues he was having so he could better understand us, and we had the opportunity to understand why certain behaviors were occurring. Two years later it is almost as if we have a different kid, and life has settled down. During those years of chaos, it was hard to remind myself not to take it personally and not to give up. Unfortunately, I was the brunt of much of his frustration and anger, but we knew he was a stellar person and it was our responsibility to find a way to help him and not give up until we had succeeded. 

I have seen the outcome of an unruly child turn into an adult who doesn't understand nor respect boundaries. In my opinion the cause of this is either over disciplining and micromanaging a child, or not disciplining at all. Balance your parenting, creating boundaries, letting them make a lot of choices for themselves, allowing them to have their own voice and feelings with the knowledge that sometimes they have to defer to you. We always told our kids if they didn't like a rule or consequence they were welcome to come to us 24 hours after the conflict and discuss it with us. We gave them an opportunity to "argue their case" respectfully and we would listen. It may not change the outcome, but at least they would be heard. 

Last year I asked my daughter, honestly, where we did alright, and where we could have done better. She is such a beautiful, kind, and wonderful young woman of 20 now. She stated we allowed too much room for discussion (lol!) She felt we should have laid down the law a little more, and not allowed them to make so many decisions on their own. However, she was thankful we were the parents we were. She thanked us for attending games and activities and allowing them so many opportunities. She thanked us for being a loving place to land. She thanked us for giving her wings to fly and being proud of who she was. 

Know your primary goal Ours has always been to build relationships with our children that helped them rise to adulthood in a manner in which their childhood was a springboard and not a stumbling block or something they needed to overcome. 

Parenting is no easy task. Each family unit has to decide for themselves what tools they are going to use, and how they wish to run their home. I implore you to read all you can, from all sides of the parenting debate from those who advocate spanking and corporal punishment, to those like me who believe in natural consequences , to those who believe in attachment parenting! Everything I have read has helped me become a better parent. 

We had a family bed, and allowed our babies to sleep with us. We spanked on occasion. We talked, grounded, had family meetings, and sometimes even (gasp) raised our voices. We asked for help when we needed it by attending parenting classes, counseling, or seeking help from other professionals. We discovered what worked and what didn't.  We learned, we grew, we parented and we have always said "One or more of us may need more therapy when this is all over."  


copyright 2012 Kimber Beech

1 Comment

Hey Mom...Have You Seen the Facebook Pic of Your Kid Yet???

3/19/2012

0 Comments

 
Picture
When my beautiful daughter went off to college I wondered how mothers of the past coped with the separation from their child before we had all the lovely technology available to us today. Facebook, texting, mail, and cell phones mean almost certain access to those we love (within reason). She could send me a picture of her dorm room instantly, and I could interact from 6 hours away! I spoke to my former MIL about how thankful I was for the ability to be this involved and connected with my girl. She related to me how when she went away to college there was one phone in the hall and she was only able to call home for a few minutes a week. How did those mother's back then make it??? Were they created of sterner stuff than I? 

While there are many advantages to parenting  in the age of technology there are an equal amount of pitfalls. Just look at the dad who shot his daughter's laptop! I applaud the man (he needed to make a point and he paid for it) ...even though others were equally appalled and up in arms. I felt for him... It is pretty easy for your children to announce your every pitfall and parenting faux pas to the world. They have access to the world and their friends 24/7 and it can be a challenge to bring the focus back to "right here...right now." I love the fact I can set a GPS to their phone and tell if they are indeed where they have professed to be ( a little trick I just discovered and will be using!)

Parenting is hard and it is messy. There is no rule book and I'm pretty sure if there was one it would be wrong and I'd use the thing for fire starter! As I parent kids rapidly turning into adults, we traverse familiar ground of the senior year. I wonder if the goal is "how much can I get away with before she follows good on the threat of eating her own young"?  Last week, I found myself adopting the shrill loud voice and could feel the same expression creep over my face which was on my mom's face when I was a teen (love you Mama). You know...the "scary"...my heads going to spin around one. 

My dear son decided to skip school...then refuse to come home. (Hence my new love of GPS tracking for parents) Guess he thought he could beg for forgiveness later. After being up all night worried sick and planning his consequences and talking myself out of his swift demise... messages started coming in of FB pics (Hey Kimber have you seen the pics of your son?!!!??). What did us mother's do before Facebook I ask you??  What idiocy crosses the minds of our teens to post pictures of their rule breaking...flaunting them for all the world to see?

 I remember being a teen and seeing my brothers aggravate my mom to the point of frustration while she was brushing her teeth one day. The more animated she became, the more hysterical the scene...the more they purposefully they riled her...because she didnt realize the tooth paste had begun to froth until she was literally "foaming at the mouth." When she turned around and looked in the mirror she good nature-dly began laughing with us! 

After the FB messages started pouring in, I texted my ex-husband to let him know, only to discover the kid had decided to show up there in the middle of the night and NO ONE bothered to let me know. Needless to say I was livid and everyone had to hear about it. We had to practice our co-parenting skills which for him just proved to be "ride the storm out and let her rant." Once again we made it through another bump in the road. 

I used to be mortified when my kids broke house rules... as if it were a reflection of my mothering. With as many teenagers as I have in the house I have decided unless I'm willing to break the law and handcuff them to the bed post, then I cannot control everything. There are somethings I can control and others I just have to release to prayer and the hands of God. I can be thankful for technology and it's help in this crazy roller coaster ride called parenting, though sometimes I wish I didn't have access to all the idiotic things my kids try or say, balancing this with not allowing it to tempt me to micro manage their lives. 


0 Comments

Holding Down The Fort

11/16/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
Balancing my life seems like a constant challenge. How does one juggle all the things one must do in the normal course of a day. I get  incredulous looks when I set boundaries with others with what my large family can and cannot commit to, as every good mother knows what everyone else in the family says yes to involves some sort of commitment from parents!. I sometimes get the feeling saying "I have seven kids" is not reason enough to say no in life. I just love the insinuation that I use  it as an excuse to somehow sit at home on my couch eating bon bons! and honestly, I dread the question "You just stay at home?" It's as if I am less of a mother by saying no and valuing family time over all the "to do's" that come with modern life and schedules. It's as if teaching my children to balance their time and include time away from the world is an unhealthy parenting decision. I

I spend 336 hours a year, on average, cooking meals. This does not include any shopping, meal planning or added cooking requests the children's school and sports are constantly throwing my way. If I were to average in car rides, homework help, ironing, laundry, sweeping, and the myriad of other normal daily activities I accomplish, I can assuredly say I work more than a full time job. 

My husband recently took a job out of area which requires large amounts of time away  from us. This has been a huge challenge. Seth and I have never been one of those couples who have had to be in each other's back pockets all the time. We are far to busy for that, however we enjoy our time together and have always made togetherness a priority. However, I miss our good mornings and good nights. I miss having my best friend here to navigate the daily challenges and the chaos that sometimes ensues. I feel I do a pretty good job of holding down the fort while he is away. I have so many friends whose husbands have had to take jobs out of state in this economy. It's a tough choice families are having to make. 

I have some wonderful support while we adjust to these new changes. Friends who ask on a regular basis how I am and on occasion bring me chocolate or send me funny text messages. Kid's teachers who are going the extra mile to make sure I am getting all the information I need so we eliminate school hiccups. Then there are those people who have always been a small drain on my family. In this time of adjusting to the chaos of being a sometimes single mama, I am find I am having little patience for this. When one thinks of bullies it is often of those times back in school our minds go to. However I have come to realize there are "grown up" bullies as well and many of us have them in our lives. How do we navigate relationships with these people. Often times they are in our places of work, churches, community organizations, even our children's schools.  Many times we have not one but many bullies in our lives. 

How do we have "adult" relationships with others when they have not moved beyond the school yard mentality. Often times I find it takes quite an effort to set and maintain boundaries and the harder I attempt to eliminate the difficulty, I come across as looking like the big B Word! There is one place frustrates me the most and it is in the area of parenting. We have become such a society of "know it alls" that even those with no children, feel they know how to do a parent's job better. Oh I've been guilty of this myself . Being the mother of seven I've got some things down pat. I look at how a parent or caregiver is running their family and I judge... I think of all the ways I do it better. I have quite and ego when it comes to parenting, I must confess. 

We had the experience of someone undermining our loving relationship with our children for the past several years. We honored that our children had a relationship with this person that brought some good and so we allowed things to go unsaid and in our "silence" realized we erred.  Our silence was perceived as permission and we misjudged thinking our relationship with our children was so concrete that another could not cause division. Luckily, as our feelings regarding relationships and our need for honesty with each other led to dialog we realized  just because there are some healthy things others people bring into the lives of our children we have to weigh and balance that with the negative and make sure our role as parent is not being undermined or damaged. If it is, we have a responsibility to step in. A coach, teacher, friend, or relative may think they have my children's best interest at heart, however they do not live our lives, with it's unique dynamics. They are not the parent. They have not weighed all that comes with parenting each child within the dynamics of my family. 

This being judged and undermined has made me reflect on the times I may have inadvertently stepped on the toes of other parents. I may have judge their situation without walking in their shoes. What I realize is most people I know are trying to do their best. I fall short a lot as a parent, however I believe in the relationship I have with each and everyone of my children. I believe that our status of family will carry us through this learning experience together and when we mess up or fall down we can honor these relationships by helping each other. That's what families are for. 

As I hold down the fort, waiting for my sweet one to come home, I realize an amazing gift we have been given; this family which keeps me busy and at times exhausted. Im always learning new ways at doing my job as mother best and I am thankful for the opportunity each and every day. So, please in your daily wanderings, support other parents you know, refrain from judging them, ask them what kind of help and assurances support them most. If you are like me, chances are you know someone who is "holding down the fort" while their family makes sacrifices such as a spouse working away from home. They need your encouragement, support and understanding not interference and judgement. By supporting them you bless the children in their care and show you really care about what happens to them. By supporting their relationships with their parents you honor them and help them be healthy people. 

0 Comments

Holding Down The Fort

11/16/2011

1 Comment

 
Picture
Balancing my life seems like a constant challenge. How does one juggle all the things one must do in the normal course of a day. I get  incredulous looks when I set boundaries with others with what my large family can and cannot commit to, as every good mother knows what everyone else in the family says yes to involves some sort of commitment from parents!. I sometimes get the feeling saying "I have seven kids" is not reason enough to say no in life. I just love the insinuation that I use  it as an excuse to somehow sit at home on my couch eating bon bons! and honestly, I dread the question "You just stay at home?" It's as if I am less of a mother by saying no and valuing family time over all the "to do's" that come with modern life and schedules. It's as if teaching my children to balance their time and include time away from the world is an unhealthy parenting decision. 

I spend 336 hours a year, on average, cooking meals. This does not include any shopping, meal planning or added cooking requests the children's school and sports are constantly throwing my way. If I were to average in car rides, homework help, ironing, laundry, sweeping, and the myriad of other normal daily activities I accomplish, I can assuredly say I work more than a full time job. 

My husband recently took a job out of area which requires large amounts of time away  from us. This has been a huge challenge. Seth and I have never been one of those couples who have had to be in each other's back pockets all the time. We are far to busy for that, however we enjoy our time together and have always made togetherness a priority.  I miss our good mornings and good nights. I miss having my best friend here to navigate the daily challenges and the chaos that sometimes ensues. I feel I do a pretty good job of holding down the fort while he is away. I have so many friends whose husbands have had to take jobs out of state in this economy. It's a tough choice families are having to make. 

I have some wonderful support while we adjust to these new changes. Friends who ask on a regular basis how I am and on occasion bring me chocolate or send me funny text messages. Kid's teachers who are going the extra mile to make sure I am getting all the information I need so we eliminate school hiccups. Then there are those people who have always been a small drain on my family. In this time of adjusting to the chaos of being a sometimes single mama, I am find I am having little patience for this. When one thinks of bullies it is often of those times back in school our minds go to. However I have come to realize there are "grown up" bullies as well and many of us have them in our lives. How do we navigate relationships with these people. Often times they are in our places of work, churches, community organizations, even our children's schools.  Many times we have not one but many bullies in our lives. 

How do we have "adult" relationships with others when they have not moved beyond the school yard mentality. Often times I find it takes quite an effort to set and maintain boundaries and the harder I attempt to eliminate the difficulty, I come across as looking like the big B Word! There is one place frustrates me the most and it is in the area of parenting. We have become such a society of "know it alls" that even those with no children, feel they know how to do a parent's job better. Oh I've been guilty of this myself . Being the mother of seven I've got some things down pat. I look at how a parent or caregiver is running their family and I judge... I think of all the ways I do it better. I have quite and ego when it comes to parenting, I must confess. 

We had the experience of someone undermining our loving relationship with our children for the past several years. We honored that our children had a relationship with this person that brought some good and so we allowed things to go unsaid and in our "silence" realized we erred.  Our silence was perceived as permission and we misjudged thinking our relationship with our children was so concrete that another could not cause division. Luckily, as our feelings regarding relationships and our need for honesty with each other led to dialog we realized  just because there are some healthy things others people bring into the lives of our children we have to weigh and balance that with the negative and make sure our role as parent is not being undermined or damaged. If it is, we have a responsibility to step in. A coach, teacher, friend, or relative may think they have my children's best interest at heart, however they do not live our lives, with it's unique dynamics. They are not the parent. They have not weighed all that comes with parenting each child within the dynamics of my family. 

This being judged and undermined has made me reflect on the times I may have inadvertently stepped on the toes of other parents. I may have judge their situation without walking in their shoes. What I realize is most people I know are trying to do their best. I fall short a lot as a parent, however I believe in the relationship I have with each and everyone of my children. I believe that our status of family will carry us through this learning experience together and when we mess up or fall down we can honor these relationships by helping each other. That's what families are for. 

As I hold down the fort, waiting for my sweet one to come home, I realize an amazing gift we have been given; this family which keeps me busy and at times exhausted. Im always learning new ways at doing my job as mother best and I am thankful for the opportunity each and every day. So, please in your daily wanderings, support other parents you know, refrain from judging them, ask them what kind of help and assurances support them most. If you are like me, chances are you know someone who is "holding down the fort" while their family makes sacrifices such as a spouse working away from home. They need your encouragement, support and understanding not interference and judgement. By supporting them you bless the children in their care and show you really care about what happens to them. By supporting their relationships with their parents you honor them and help them be healthy people. 

1 Comment

Train Up A Child...

3/26/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
Seth and Norge: Notice the horse has no head gear!
There is no doubt that parenting today presents many of us with unique and often times difficult challenges never imagined. The sweetness of parenting comes from the endurance of longstanding unconditional love for our children. Parenting is always about finding balance.

The western ideal of a life fulfilled is one in which our dreams are something we live out in reality.  Few of us get to do this fully, yet many catch glimpses of it. Is a glimpse enough to transcend the everyday and allow our soul to feel fulfilled? It can be a challenge to impart ideals for healthy living and fulfillment to our children, when as adults we struggle to meet this in our own lives. By sharing our journey, the struggles and successes, with our children, we are able to impart truths, knowledge and an attitude of perseverance that will serve them for a lifetime.

Many of us seek to challenge ourselves to strive closer to our ideals, and many of us give up and lose hope that things will change. Life is about balance. Not giving up on the clouds yet keeping our feet firmly rooted in the grounding of reality is the challenge. Nowhere am I more challenged in life than in the arena of parenting. I often feel a failure, but I forget this book of parenting does not end until we are gone, and I have new opportunities to change and grow each and everyday.

No matter where you are in your parenting, you can always begin a new chapter. You can take life lessons and things you believe and reshape them, reinvent them and begin anew. We should be like the dawn; renewed, glorious and unique, each and every day. Every day is new page to be written upon, and can be shaped to make each new tomorrow a life worth living. What we do today, affects every day after it. Commit to remembering to allow each new day to be an opportunity.

            Many parents view parenting as a chore, or simply something to be accomplished. I want to challenge this mind set. I want to look at parenting as a spiritual practice. Where do I learn to become a well rounded generous human being? Where I am I challenged the most? Where do I learn to have compassion; a tough skin; how to place others first and balance this with my own needs. Where do I really have an opportunity to understand the incredible love God has for me. I look at the love I have for my own children; my frail human love feels so vast, never ending, all encompassing,  and I cannot grasp how much love my creator must have for me.  Nowhere is the education of unconditional, agape love more profound than in the arena of parenting.  Parenting challenges my entire being: body, mind and spirit. Parenting is where I hear the lessons of the divine meant for me and my personal growth. Parenting gives me the opportunities to give beyond what seems humanly possible and the rewards are far greater than anything I have ever given to my children.

Everything is about movement and energy…Change is not stagnant….it is active. Parenting is not always about hard and fast rules, but about being able to change and flow as your children or family change and grow. These little beings do not come with a handbook, and if you wish to grow your garden well, then you must recognize that each child has individual needs that change over time. One of my favorite parenting authors, Dr. Kay Kuzma, once explained on a radio show the accurate translation for the beloved and often favored Bible verse on parenting: Proverbs 22:6 (Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.). To my recollection she stated this verse means Train (Teach with intent) up a child ....in the way he should go (meaning according to the child's "way" or "bent"...according to the individual child's personality and gifts) and when he is old he will not depart from it. This understanding defined my parenting as a young mom. It reminded me of the awesome responsibility we have to encourage our children's natural giftings and not cause harm.

My partner in parenting and life, Seth, is a Horse whisperer. I have no better term than this overused and much commercialized term for the form of working with horses. He is amazing and beautiful in his connection with these large, graceful beings. I have learned many things from watching his connection with horses.

One method Seth implements when working with newborn foals is called imprinting. Imprinting a foal can occur on many different kinds of levels. For those interested in working with the nature and spirit of a horse in order to optimize the human/horse relationship, seek not to dominate but to impress upon the young foal a cooperative, safe environment. Foals are taught, while they are small enough to gently control, manners, directions, and basic skills.A true horse whisperer knows each horse has their own personality and how much and when to push the young horse, and when to be more patient. Others who seek to dominate and suppress the spirit of the horse choose to work against the horse nature and use tactics that degrade and break the horse. Usually both have the intended outcome of a horse you can ride, but only one creates a relationship.  Human beings do this as well with their young, whether we realize it or not.

I know when you work with the nature of horses you can create amazing partnerships. Seth got his beloved Norge many years ago. My understanding is Norge was considered to be an un-ridable, and un-trainable horse. People had simply given up on him. Seth worked with Norge and swiftly gained Norge's trust. People who had seen Seth's interactions with Norge knew their was a special connection. It was evident in Seth being able to ride Norge Bridless, with only a neck rope. I believe on can learn an important lesson. Children need our gentle, yet firm direction and we can accomplish many amazing feats.


The one encouragement I have for parents is be a student of your child. Take what you learn and teach them healthy boundaries in a manner which does not break their spirit, while imparting the concept of being authentic.Parenting takes strength of character, consistency, and firm boundaries. Teach the children in your life  to live honest lives where they are able; to discern and be seekers of the truth. Train up your child to be authentic, honest, and the person they were created to be.








This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
0 Comments

Does It Really Take A Village?

2/23/2011

2 Comments

 
Picture

There are benefits to raising children with "village mentality" as well as definite drawbacks. The more people that children have to love them, the better adjusted they are. Is this concept of a village raising a child really accurate and is it really healthy? Can this idea become distorted and used by unhealthy people to meddle in the affairs of a family unit causing damage and unrest? How do parents and caregivers navigate these sometimes treacherous waters?

There are definite perks to having an extended village family. Mother's do not have to be 'Wonder Woman' and fathers do not have to be the 'Lone Ranger' trying to navigate their way through the hectic and busy lifestyles many face. Having an extended network can allow parents to meet their children’s needs more effectively. In this fast paced world parents and children alike are bombarded constantly and as our lives become busier and busier and the expectations placed on us become greater, this can leave many parents feeling overwhelmed and guilt ridden as they realize they cannot meet everything that is seemingly required of them.

An extended "village family" allows children a wide variety of people to learn to communicate with. It  takes the pressure off the parents by providing other caring adults to whom the children can go to when they have a need. Some of these needs may be embarrassing for the child to address with mom or dad, believe it or not. I never imagined while holding my little ones there would come a time when they would not want or need to tell me everything...or that there are certain things that may be hard for me to swallow and wish they had gone unsaid. The important focus for parents is making sure their children know who they can and should go to and parents discuss their wishes with chosen family members, church family or friends. It is imperative parents really know and trust who they allow their child to have this kind of interaction with. Who ever you choose allow enough time to pass to know their true character and how well they support your beliefs and decisions as a parent. 

Another perk to the "village parenting" mentality is children may then become a blessing to those whose children are grown, or for who are unable or chose not  to have children. This is an important aspect of nurturing within a community that is often times over looked and forgotten. We disregard the fact children come into this world with lessons to learn and gifts to give. This is one area a childhood that should be nurtured and encouraged, especially since society seems to be very self-oriented and many go into adulthood without necessary skills to have healthy and giving relationships.Many children have no concept of learning what a blessing it is to have a servants heart and how important caring for others is in our world.  I love watching the relationships my kids have developed with other adults. My son Theo loves hanging out with an older couple in town, listening to their stories, laughing and pitching in where he is able. I know they support Seth as I as parents and our kids will be encouraged in healthy directions. I love watching his relationships with others develop and the type of man those relationships are shaping him in to.

Having discussed some of the pros, there are equally as many drawbacks to this type of family village. Sometimes parents are faced with friends, family or close relatives that are not healthy. These individuals may have very poor boundaries themselves and encourage behavior that is unacceptable to parents and present challenges that threaten the main family unit. Often times these “well meaning” members of the family village use the idea and concept of village partnerships to exploit their own need for power. Sometimes it can end up with dangerous consequences for the family unit if the person is untruthful, emotionally unstable, and/or dishonest. I cannot stress enough the importance of only allowing those with whom you have had long term consistent relationship with to be in a place of trust with your children. 

Members outside the core family unit can use the family village as an excuse to fulfill their own dreams and ideals. If their beliefs fit in with the core family's ideas and values it can be a benefit, but if it does not it can drain the life-source of a family and steer them into treacherous waters. It is important for the main family unit to remain in communication with each other as issues arise, and not allow things to fester. Nothing is more damaging to a family than to ignore major issues and pretend the proverbial elephant is not in the middle of the room. Children and teens do not often have the skills necessary to recognize when they are being manipulated or their core relationship with their parents is being damaged or abused. Parents and caregivers need to keep a close eye out and trust their instincts when it comes to their children. 

It can be very frustrating for parents to have to continually set new boundaries with unhealthy friends or extended members of the group. Sometimes they are encouraged to feel guilty for limiting contact and reasserting their place as the primary caregivers. Oftentimes it is difficult for parents to pinpoint why certain behaviors presented are frustrating or not acceptable, and it is important for primary caregivers of children to have a grasp themselves of healthy boundary concepts.

Some warning signs that the village is unhealthy are things such as triangling. For example, when a parent and child or even two spouses have a disagreement and a third party steps in and offers advice or uninvited “help”  or has conversations with others building up their point of view and tearing down the party they disagree with. This behavior creates an atmosphere of distrust and unhealthy boundaries. If it is allowed to go on for months or years, it can cause real lasting harm. It is really important to not create a gang up on mentality within the group, nor allow adults with interest, or even the children, room to manipulate things. Individuals must learn to sort out their differences without interference from outside parties. It is important to remember that advice or council can become distorted within a family village. This must be carefully considered and addressed. This is not to say there is not a time or place to have mediation or counseling, as this is a healthy option when it is warranted. Families get messy and it takes time to sort through the challenges we are faced with in life. The goal is to create an atmosphere where our children learn how to grow into well rounded, confident, and healthy adults. 

Another warning sign is “He said- She said.” Many times stories begin to circulate within the family village, group, or community regarding behaviors or actions. Often times these are parenting styles, decisions, or behaviors of the children deemed “not ok” by the offending “He said or she said” and “gossip” begins to circulate, which again undermines the family unit and causes stress and division.Gossip within groups or communities can create lasting damage and should not be allowed. 

 It is important that the main family unit make the decisions in regards to what works best for them and to support each other. I encourage all families to have a family plan with established goals and ideals for the present and future, as well as a written family creed or mission statement. Bottom line is that it should be a decision of the parent/s or primary caregivers, when possible, and they should maintain a united front and clear boundaries with extended family or friends. The extended family should work as a support system. This will eliminate confusion for the children as well as teach them healthy boundaries.

Building a successful family takes a lot of work, education and love. An extended village family can be a loving addition or a drain on a family’s valuable resources. As with many ideas, to each his or her own!

2 Comments
    Follow Me on Pinterest
    Picture
    Like my page!
    Picture
    Follow me!
    Picture
    Follow me!

    Author

    Kimber Beech
    copyright 2011 & 2012 
    Do not copy without written consent from the Author. 

    Archives

    April 2016
    July 2014
    December 2012
    September 2012
    May 2012
    March 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    June 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011

    Categories

    All
    Adult Bullies
    Art
    Birth Control
    Children
    Choice
    Christmas
    Co Parenting
    Empty Nest
    Family
    Flu Shots
    Health
    Holidays
    Life
    Mothering
    Parental Interference
    Parenting
    Parenting Teens
    Raising Men
    Respect
    Santa
    Spanking
    Traditions
    Vaccinations

    RSS Feed