A year ago I was facing my first challenge of kids racing from the coop, um excuse me... leaving the nest! As a parent, it was one of the hardest moments I have faced. I blogged about it, cried about, ate food about it, and in the end am pretty proud of the first two kiddos... I mean adult children. No matter how you prepare yourself or your children for life outside of home, there are going to come struggles and moments where everything you have shared with them, pounded into their heads, begged and pleaded about, come together with an unplanned circumstance and the only thing between them and danger is a mother's prayer. 

No mama wants to get a call in which their beautiful child (no matter how old they are that is how you think of them) is on the other end and her first words are "Mama, I'm ok, but you need to sit down...are you sitting down? Is daddy there with you?" At those words my heart sank completely in my chest and there was no earthly way my knees were going to hold me up, so yes I was sitting. Of course with my vivid imagination, I had already gone through several scenarios in my mind by the time she explained her predicament. I'm no stranger to the rain and have had a fair share of traumas and unexpected losses, so I may react a little more strongly, which might be the first clue when my daughter waited a couple of days to call me after she was attacked in an alley. 

Sending your little girl off to college is full of preparations. I am fairly well educated when it comes to statistics. I shared with her that 1 in 4 women are victims of assault in their life time! I shared with her the dangers of college, parties, roofies, date rape, a few self defense moves, you know... all the things one can talk about when you are sending your children off to war, I mean, college? Not once did it cross my mind to talk to her about walking in a place she knows well, when it was still light out, and keeping safety in mind. I was remiss in talking to her about cities and this small town she grew up in and I really beat my self up about because I do know better, having lived in cities most of my life. 

My little 5'4 girl was walking down a familiar alley to a residence she has been to many times before, when she was grabbed from behind. Her mouth was covered, and she was told to be silent. She says all she could remember was me telling her when she was little "If someone ever grabs you baby, freak out, scream, scratch, claw, vomit... what ever you have to do to get away."  She told us she became a screaming, crying, kicking five year old at that moment. My eyes fill up with tears when I think that when she was in danger, my voice and words came to her. The very large man dropped that fire cracker he had grabbed a hold of... still tried to incapacitate her by elbowing her across the face (poor baby girl had black eyes and bruises) but when it was evident she would continue to scream and fight... he ran off. She had pepper spray but she says it was in the bottom of her purse and it did not even cross her mind, and even if it had...who has time to dig around for it? My sweet girl hid out in her dorm room for a couple of days before calling us, trying to regain her feelings and sense of safety being so far from home. 

Recently our "local" papers and news have been full of stories and issues with rape on the closest college campus near us. My daughter's attack and one her friend had a bit later, really made me start thinking about how we prepare our young people for adult hood. I immediately called a friend of ours who sells Key Cats, which are a self defense tool! We bought a couple of them and headed to my girl to give her one and to make sure she was ok. Another local mom, is one of those amazing pro active women with daughters, and she worked with the school to bring someone in to teach self defense to the senior girls, at  which my Lili was able to share her experiences with the girls. 

She reminded us we are told alcohol and other situations may compromise one's safety when we go to college. She really said the mentality that a woman has to be "doing something wrong" (ie dressing provocatively, drinking, etc.) is what causes bad things like this to happen. Victim blaming gets us now where and gives girls a false sense of security when they are just walking down a street minding their own business. Being a victim of an assault can happen any time and any where, and it is important to be as prepared as one can be should one be faced with it. (I raised this articulate woman!!) She now carried her key cat placed correctly on her hand anytime she goes anywhere alone, or in a group of women. She knows the goal is to get away, and as her parents we want her to always be prepared. It is a sad part of life, but her hope is, other parents will read about her experience and take action to make sure their young people are prepared for all the challenges leaving home may bring.

If you wish to find out more about Key Cats, you can contact Derek VonHeeder @ Stump Grills or can reach him at (406-370-2570) . He will be more than happy to help you and ship them out. Find out if your local school or anyone in your community has self defense classes, and keep safe out there! I receive no compensation or incentive to recommend this product. It is a product I believe in! Plus... they come in pretty colors!

Navigating the path of raising children comes with lots of bumps in the road. When these beautiful bundles of joy come into our lives, we have such high hopes and dreams for their future. Most people want to teach good and honest values to their children. Maybe it is my rose colored glasses which have me looking at the world this way and maybe there are a number of people who come from a different more rebellious place in life, but I hold the belief most people want to teach their children moral values which will help them succeed in life and become well rounded responsible and honest adults. 

On this path called parenting we learn as we go. I have had the privilege of raising two children to adulthood and in a month the third will turn 18. I have made a lot of mistakes and blunder along the way but I really love the people they are and love watching the growth and change. I can see where we did really well and where our work as parents needed improvement. Makes me thankful to have so many kids so I can perfect this practice called parenting (hey docs practice medicine... I think that is what we parents do..practice). 

Over the past few weeks I have been working with my daughter, Ms E, on an on going issue. I was cornered in the hall by a frustrated (rightfully so) library aide who could not get a book turned in by E. I spoke with E and she stated she could not find said item. Once it was found it was not in great shape. Apparently a brother had spilled coffee on said item and it was no longer fit for use. I then sent a note with E (first mistake sending it with the kid lol)  asking for the library to allow her to work off the fine. Years and years ago I made the decision NOT to pay for library or other fines of the children at school. I sent in a letter at the beginning of the school year and let them know of my policy and asking for an alternative. The school had a policy that kids could work off their fines instead. I had already tried paying the fines and having the kids work for me... and I tried making them find jobs to pay off the fine... it ended up being a giant headache for me and with seven children I am ALL about eliminating excess headaches! 

The former librarian and I saw eye to eye on the idea that kids have to learn to be responsible for items they borrow and the VERY best way is to make them be FULLY responsible. I also realize we have options larger schools would not be able to accommodate, which is why I have always chosen small schools for the kids.  So, after a few times of said kids dusting and helping out at the library I can tell you the missing items diminished greatly! Unfortunately, this is life and sometimes we like to repeat lessons, just to make sure we really have them down I guess. Yesterday I received two calls from E to bring the book in and turn it in for her. I refused. I thought, 'this is HER responsibility and she will have to take it with her tomorrow.' I drove E to school with the damaged book in hand. She was almost beside herself with fear. I could see it written so clearly on her face. It would have been so much easier just to take the book in myself, but what does it teach her? So, we talked about it and she explained why she was having so much anxiety about it. 

On a side note Ms. E suffers from mild PTSD which she was diagnosed with at an early age due to traumatic life events in her early years (ie dv in the household in our "previous" life) It RARELY shows itself (due to 12 wonderful years of healing and work)  but when it does it, we swiftly take actions to decrease the heightened emotional response to situations. Part of that is teaching her the necessary skills to recognize the response, practice relaxation techniques and to make a plan to deal with the situation which is causing the response. When children have PTSD and they feel threatened, cortisol FLOODS the brain and they have increased heart rate, anxiety and fear. Even if a situation appears mild, it can feel rather big. Returning a library book to a frustrated library aide who raises their voice with a stern look on their face can feel like one is going to battle! 

So, we made a plan. She would return the book to the aide with me waiting nearby to come in to help if the aide engaged verbally in a manner which would heighten E's anxiety and decrease her ability to handle it. She laid the book on the next and left the library... she was up the stairs when the aide raised her voice and told E to "Get back in here NOW" As she began to lecture E on the book it was my cue to step in. I politely told E to head to class. The aide retrieved the librarian (I haven't really worked with this new one before) and I explained our policy regarding books and how my wish was for E to be responsible and in years past I found I could not teach them responsibility if I was paying for the books. (Life is VERY different with 7 kids!)  It wasn't going to work for him to supervise her trading off working for the fines as he had other responsibilities. There was the threat, of course, of not allowing our transcripts to be sent to the new school if I didn't pay the fine, which got my ire up for a few seconds, but I reeled it back in KNOWING we really were on the same page of teaching E responsibility! It was suggested I find the principle. 

We have a wonderful principle, who has had the job of working with me for A LOT of years (seven kids remember...thank you Lord for seven well behaved, kind, and fairly responsible kids). I think we have the system worked out pretty well. I explained the situation to him, my desire to again teach responsibility to E, the need to make sure the book cost was covered,  my desire to have her final day at Plains School be of a good memory not a bad one, and he graciously and immediately found a time and a job for her to complete her task of rectifying the book situation. Yes, me paying $20 for the fine would have been way easier then dealing with this mess, but it teaches E nothing in the long run and responsibility is one of those lessons it is worth a little extra hassle for me. 

My point in blogging about this is not to disrespect the school librarian and aides because I know they work hard and deal with a lot of kids and the librarian has a real heart for these kids and our community. He is kind, considerate, and a great role model for our young people. I really respect the job he does.  :) Over the years I have learned a lot in working with the school to teach my children values we all wish them to have. One frustration as a parent in working with anyone at the school or in the community is how to remain on the same team and full fill common goals, such as in the case with us both wanting to teach responsibility, without getting into a power struggle or walking away feeling like it was a disagreement. Our common goals in our community of choice should be to find common ground in every area we can and really be good role models. I'm learning more and more every day about this job of parenting and I am very thankful for the people who have helped me learn and grow along the way. I am thankful for the easy moments and the trying ones. Bottom line is if we can all remember we really are on the same team, keep our cool, not make judgments about others and really take the time to listen... we can teach the young people in our world some wonderful skills which they will carry into adulthood. 

Teachers and anyone who works in a school have a very tough job. I admire the work and dedication it takes. My experiences have been positive with a few negative thrown in there but the bottom line is I have learned so much from it. When you become a parent your community broadens when your children are school aged, unless you home educate (which I have done on occasion). For parents and teachers or employees of schools reading this, if we can keep the focus that we are on the same team and are working toward the same goals which should be raising up well adjusted, honest, moral, and yes RESPONSIBLE children, then we can navigate challenges a lot more quickly and smoothly and the child WINS! I'm thankful I have had many such people to work with in our local school, and as we move I will take all the lessons I have learned along the way. I was thankful for the opportunity to practice the art of mothering today in the face of a very small obstacle. Successes through the struggles, no matter how small, teach me to become a better person, challenge me to become a better communicator, and give me opportunities to teach my kids important life lessons all the while praying      "I hope I'm not screwing this up... one of us may need therapy later if I do." 


Note: People have often asked why I'm so honest and open about our experiences with domestic violence. It is because when those of us who have succeeded in breaking the cycle and have moved from victim... to survivor... to over comer, we need to share the struggles, things we learned, and hope. There becomes this responsibility to reach out and share where I can, in a way which doesn't make this MY STORY, but educates others what occurs not only in homes where dv is present, but the seemingly insurmountable pressures and obstacles mothers, parents, children, and communities face even when the violence ends.