Please press play below ;)
Now picture me... playing this fairly loudly... to drown out the family stomping around on the floor above me. I am sure they weren't stomping but sometimes they truly sound like a herd of elephants! I'm moving around my room, restless, sad, fluffing pillows, and adding a little Holiday to my Boudoir. I couldn't think straight. My bedroom was as big of a mess as my heart felt. I didn't feel like decorating... I just felt like crying.
This room is my escape from the world, and all it's horrors. A place to dream a little dream and forget if just for a moment that nightmares exist even when we are wide awake. Though it cannot fully erase reality, it gives me just a moment of respite. When I am upset, or sad I clean and rearrange my home. I am fairly certain it drives my family crazy but restless energy is hard to hold, and after today's events, I had more than I could hold.
So feeling a little helpless and small in the world, I just spent my energy creatively. Hoping it would help. It didn't ... not really. It seemed rather unimportant and trivial. Who cares how pretty the lights and greenery are? There are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, neighbors, grandparents, etc who have lost their babies, and loved ones! Children have lost the innocence of their child hood today.
My heart feels empty, like these balls of glass. There are so many unanswered questions. We will never understand how such tragedies happen or why it was allowed by Providence. We watch in horror, knowing how easy it could be our lives changed in an instant and our hearts hurt for our "neighbors."
As the music played and my tasks finished, I took a moment to kneel on my little rug to pray, and ask God to watch over my family and comfort those who need comforting tonight.
Knowing there is very little comfort to be had in the loss of someone you hold dear.
Fully aware there will be no rest for many nights to come for those whose hearts have been broken. Having lost my little brother, I know the endless darkness of the pain to come, as we face life, breathe by painful breathe.
Knowing there is little comfort in the sounds of home as the halls are suddenly haunted with the emptiness and silence left by the absence of our loved ones. Suddenly we become fully aware nothing else matters but love and time is fleeting.
Bearing fully the scars of loss, I know healing will come, but nothing ever fully can take away the ache. We just learn to live with it and find happiness where we can. As the silence of this late night drifted through my home I found myself wishing like crazy my children were still small enough to pull into bed with me, just to reassure myself they are safe. I was reminded that though we walk through the darkest of trials, we are held. As I lay my head down tonight, under the twinkling lights, I pray, as I am a person of faith, that those who need comfort are held under the shadow of the Almighty Creator tonight.
Hold your loved ones close. We do not know what each new day will bring. Let petty grievances fall away. Turn a harsh word away with kindness. Pray for those who hurt you. May we find a way to way to make our world a safer place for our children.